It was like any other Sunday night on record. Meals prepped, ready for bed, lights out, alarm set for yet another day of work to keep my head above water. As I woke that Monday morning, gazing out of the window of my over-indulgent yet breath taking woolstore apartment, boom! A shift. A complete change of mindset. It hit me. My time in this place, this chapter of my life, had reached an end. I yearned for a change. I was no longer that person who had moved in 2 years ago. I no longer craved this lifestyle. One I struggled to sustain financially but held onto to “keep up appearances” finding comfort in its superficial validation.
Rewind two and a half years ago to April 2014, when a 5 year defacto relationship came to a heartbreaking but inevitable end. I did what many do in this situation and found myself a new place for a fresh start, one that would give me something to look forward to each day, although one that was slightly outside of my means when you add all the extra superficial enhancers as a side that came next.
I put my music and creativity on the back burner, with the intention of working a new full time job in retail to support myself but instead blew all my money on “things”, clothes, stuff, expensive nights out to fill the void of discontentment, as a band aid for my wounded heart. I could barely recognise my own reflection in the mirror. I was completely lost.
As time went by, despite appearing fine to most on the outside, my loved ones around me could see that I was quickly spiralling down, getting myself deeper and deeper into debt and further away from my dreams and goals with my health suffering as a consequence. It felt as though "Everyone was waiting" for me to wake up from this self-inflicted nightmare.
As I hit rock bottom, I started to see clearly and looked for a solution to my condition. I quit my full time retail job, removing myself from this superficial environment where I blew most of my money and transitioned into an opportunity that miraculously arose working in music again entertaining and teaching kids. Although remarkably happier living into this musical life, as a professional singer and teacher I relied on my physical health and resilience to sickness, something I did not have. So I reluctantly returned to another job in retail to get myself out of more debt – this time sickness debt.
So there I was working tirelessly, gaining nothing, getting nowhere and with no stability of consistent income, I was a hamster on a wheel and it was exhausting. I was simply going through the motions. I was existing, I wasn’t living. To fill the void, I was playing the dating game, losing out to the same old stories, wasting my time and feeling hopeless. I was getting to the end of each week with little in my pocket and near to no time spent creatively. Then as I woke that Monday, the beautiful woolstore apartment that I once defined myself by, no longer brought me the fulfilment it once did.
So what did I do? Well, I surrendered. I threw my hands in the air and stopped forcing what was so clearly no longer meant to be. I stepped out of bed that morning, had a long hard look at myself in the mirror, quite literally, and said “yep – it’s time for a change.” It was time to turn the page and start a new chapter, and yet again, it was one of the best decisions I made.
“You’ve got a new story to write and it looks nothing like your past”
Following this shift and taking this leap of faith, magic happened. I:
- Scored a dream job at Lululemon as a Key Leader/Community Lead
- Regained my self love and respect following a self appointed 1 month dating "Man Ban"
- Moved apartments into the perfect new sanctuary of a home with a kindred spirit and creative soul sister Harriette who just happened to have a spare room practically waiting for me, considerably cheaper in rent and an equally breath taking apartment.
- Sold off and let go of materialist possessions that were only holding me back
- Saw a VISION come to life, guest hosting at OM Goddess Retreats (on my 26th birthday might I add) collaborating on sound healing workshops, chanting mantras, and performing a preview of my curated show “Bird Set Free” in its most authentic, vulnerable and perfectly imperfect state.
So if you’d been wondering what I’ve been doing since my first blog, one I had hoped would be followed closely by another, I took a moment (or a few) to start the next chapter and so it shaped the next piece of the story of “That Singer’s Soul.”
“Surrender to what is, be grateful for all that you have, let go of what no longer serves you, put plans into action and sure enough in time serendipitous magic will unfold in your life.”
– Laura Caitlin Jensen
Now as I write this sitting in the sunroom of our serene apartment, surrounded by birds chirping from the treetops and morning church bells chiming, I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I am living into an authentic and inspiring life, one of vulnerability and creativity, within my means.
I have a job that allows me to do what I love - inspire, grow, adventure, create, educate and connect people, in doing so ‘elevating the world from mediocrity to greatness’ all while wearing stretchy pants in a team of like minded, authentic, light hearted and ambitious souls.
I am content in the person I am and embrace being perfectly imperfect and no longer crave validation from another and most importantly I am consciously and unapologetically giving time to my craft without the urge to justify.
“Sometimes life doesn’t give you things not because you don’t deserve them but because you deserve better!”
So to the last two years I’d like to say…
Thanks for the jobs that didn’t work out, it led me to a dream job, one of growth and possibility.
Thanks for the ill health for I now live a holistic life honouring my body, mind and soul.
Thanks for the expensive woolstore lifestyle, I made a lifelong friend and musical partnership in my roommate (Sam Payne – ROYAL) and saw our dream production “Songbirds in the Atrium” come to life inside the woolstore.
Thanks for the debt, I now hold value in experience and connections over any materialistic possessions.
Thanks for the relationship pain and heartbreak, I learnt to find love within and live the life I always envisioned.
So if this sounds like you I inspire you to be courageous and listen to the voice inside that keeps urging you to take that risk, to follow your heart and make a change for the better.
Risk being seen in all your glory!
“We warriors of light must be prepared to have patience in difficult times and to know that the universe is conspiring in our favour, even though we may not understand why.” - Paul Coelho, The Alchemist
As I look back on the failures and triumphs of the past two years, I am surprisingly more grateful for these failures that shocked my system and gave me no choice than to make a change. To develop myself. To take risks and learn from my mistakes. To become stronger and more resilient. To learn to say no and let go of people and situations that no longer serve me.
So to the last two years, thanks for all the experiences, the “things”, but most of all…
Thanks for the tragedy…I’ll use it for my art.